Wednesday, August 23, 2006

What's this place called?

I am numb. I went to therapy twice yesterday. Once, by myself, the other time with my husband. I don't know what to think, or do, or say. Writing this my be pointless, as everything I write is just the same things I keep replaying in my head day after day. Last night, my husband kissed me and I became more aroused than I can remember. I am ashamed of that. Yes, I am ashamed that my husband kissed me and I wanted him. I am incapable of being pleased right now. He has been too pleasing lately, too contrite: jumping up to get whatever I ask for, holding doors open, trying to anticipate my desires. I honestly can't remember if he was like this before I found out he had been cheating on me. I think he was, but now it seems false and just makes me uncomfortable. I told him to just be normal, how he always was, but when he talks and tries to joke around with me, I think how can he act like nothing has happened? I want him to touch me, but I can't stand to look at him. I can't stand sleeping in the same bed with him, yet can't bear the thought of him not being here. I am just so full of anger right now. Everything I feel is because of him and I shouldn't be feeling these things. Right now, my life sucks. Later today, or tomorrow, maybe things will be different. For right now though, I have lost my sense of normalcy.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know it seems hard, and all the things you are feeling are normal. Believe me. But self love and respect are the most important thing to have in this life. From these things grow power, confidence, self assuredness, dignity, and best of all the ability to not let another person who judges you bother you.
I hope you are stating strong. I hope you can forgive, your husband if you desire to, but yourself. Forgive yourself and slowly love...please update on your situation. Blessings.

10:50 AM  
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