Thursday, July 20, 2006

Willpower? No Thanks.

I think that one of the reasons I haven't been able to lose weight is because I have an abnormal view of my body. I know I weigh 245 pounds. I know I am grossly obese. When I look in the mirror though, I see how my body should look, not how it actually looks. My husband took a picture of me recently. I saw it for the first time tonight. I didn't know he was taking the picture and you can tell. It's the most unflattering angle, my head tilted forward, a mound of flesh where my neck should be. Two years ago, along with a lot of others, I started the low carb diet. When I started the diet, I weighed 275 pounds. I lost seventy. I never did see below that 200 pound mark, but I went from a size 26/28 to an 18. Needless to say, I slowly started slipping back into my old comforts, having a cheeseburger here and there, then back to eating fast food for lunch everyday. I know food is my drug. What makes it so hard for me to lose weight is that unlike other addictions, I have to eat. I know that when I run through a drive-thru, I'm not trying to stave off hunger... I eat without tasting. I take huge bites and swallow without chewing. I eat hunched over like someone is going to take my food away. I don't like to eat in public (I do, but I don't like it) because I am afraid I am going to eat the way I do when I'm alone. One of the things I'm doing right now, and had done for two weeks before the road trip, is making a menu for the week and shopping only for the food on my list. Most of everything has to be cooked to be eaten, so I don't have a lot of junk to mindlessly snack on. I haven't had any fast food since we returned from our trip. Ugh, it's going to take a lot of work. No willpower. I don't have that. When I do have willpower, it usually dissipates in a couple weeks anyway. Nope, just hard work and time. Huh... Whaddya know? I've got lots of time.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there... it's me Shawna... I am right there with you. I know you said I seemed to have had it all together. But, I don't. If ever you want a work out buddy let me know...or someone who knows a little about the whole grocery, eating, etc let me know. I spent over a year doing this and yes... I fell off 2 months ago and gained 19 lbs. and yes food is my addiction. It is my meth clinic I guess. I think I eat to relax, from stress, etc. I know they have bulimic counselors...but I have always wished I could find a fat to dig deep into my mind and find out why I need food so much. So, I am right there with you. I am VERY apprehensive about my picture too. I FEAR looking at it and falling apart because of what I a lot of what you say hits home with me. Again if you want to walk the Munson park/River walk... or if you have a membership at the YMCA...I'd be willing to go with you. It takes a lot of work... a lot of planning and me who has never been a planner this is all new to me...but I know I had Sean when I started and I want you to know if you choose to use it. I am here. If you choose not to ...that's okay to. Do what is best and what you need but know you are not alone.

8:22 AM  

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