Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Guilt and Shame! Only $22.95 a month! (plus tax)

I can't believe it's been this long, but over two years ago the husband bought me a three-month trial to a women's only gym. At that time, I was heavily invested in the low-carb diet and losing pounds quickly. I dreaded going to the gym. I dragged my feet,whined, cried, then quickly admonished myself. And, once I got there, it wasn't so bad. I never graduated past the stationary bikes: those ellipticals looked dangerous, and I figured I would definitely injure my clumsy ass. I would grab a trashy women's magazine, turn up my mp3 player and walk three miles on the treadmill to the beat of The Violent Femmes. I felt good afterwards. Three miles in an hour is a marathon for me. I felt so good that upon the end of my trial membership I signed a three-year contract. Signing my name 15 times on the dotted lines pretty much insured that I would never step foot in that gym again. And I haven't. That is so indicative of how highly I value my health. What is it going to take to realize this mass of fat surrounding my heart is going to kill me someday? I rationalize by saying I don't have any health problems, yet. I'm only 26. I've got plenty of time. But, my knees ache walking up and down stairs. I have to walk two flights of stairs to get to my class. I have contemplated taking the elevator. Would that be the last straw for me? Having to take the elevator because I'm so obese that I ache and get winded? I don't know. I do know that my motivation from last week is fading. I'm tired of thinking about food, what to eat or what not to eat, when to eat, where, how much. I want to get up and move around, sweat and ache from physical exhaustion, use my body as a physical machine, instead of just as a host for my sparkling charm and witty intellect. Only six more months and my membership will be over. So too will the guilt and shame. But hey, since I'm semi-human it's safe to say that somewhere, somehow, I will fuck up again. At least I never disappoint myself in that regard.


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